Now This Is Just Plain Nuts
by Aleh
Summary: A parody of the 'Ranma Gets New Powers' genre, poking fun at various fanfiction cliches.
1. Genma's Stupid Sale

A.N.: This fic is just for me to vent in. In addition to being a continuation fic, this is a   
Flame of Recca fusion, crosses over with Tenchi, Sailor Moon and Highlander, and has elements of   
3x3 Eyes and the Playstation game 'Legend of Dragoon'. You know the genre of 'Ranma gets some new  
powers' fics? I decided to take that to a bit of an extreme, and, well, see the title. No, no   
Ranma in a fuku. Sorry, guys. BTW, as bad as Ranma's real father is, his mother is worse.  
  
-----------------  
  
"I REALLY like this timeline," said the silver-haired pseudo-god.  
"You're insane," the cat flatly remarked.  
"I know," he agreed cheerfully.  
  
-----------------  
  
Now This Is Just Plain Nuts,  
  
By  
  
Aleh  
  
-----------------  
  
Saotome Ranma sat on the roof of the Tendou Dojo. "Damnit," he thought, "I thought better of  
Ucchan than that. Shampoo's actions I expected, and Kodachi..." He shuddered. "Still, though, who  
would've thought that Akane would look THAT good in a wedding dress?" He sighed. "I guess I DO   
love her..."  
He was brought out of his musings by the sound of a ladder hitting the side of the roof.   
"Hello, Akane," he said, sensing her ki.  
"Hello, Ranma," she said as she finished climbing.  
Ranma sighed. "Akane..."  
She sat down next to him. "Yes, Ranma?"  
It was as if a dam burst in Ranma's mind. "Don't you ever get tired of all this? The chaos,  
the fiancee of the week club, the challenges, all of it?"  
Akane sighed. "Yes, yes, I do. I just don't see any way to end it."  
"Neither do I..." Ranma mused, then looked up. "Akane," he said seriously, "Can I ask you  
something?"  
"What?"  
"How do you feel about me?" Ranma asked seriously.  
Now it was Akane's turn to sigh. "I... I..." she muttered, "I... l... lo... lo...   
likeyoualot." She hung her head at her inability to say the words. "Ranma?"  
"Yes?"  
"How do you feel about me?"  
"I... I... l... lo... like you a lot, too, Akane." Ranma hung his head as well.  
Akane, on the other hand, was ecstatic. "R... Really?" she asked hopefully.  
"Really," Ranma confirmed.  
"Oh, Ranma," Akane exclaimed, hugging him.  
"A... Akane..." Ranma stammered out in confusion.  
Their pseudo-romantic moment was interrupted by Ranma pushing Akane away from him just as a  
dagger flew through where she would have been had she stayed still. Ranma quickly jumped to his  
feet.  
"Who's there?!?" he demanded.  
A figure stepped out of his shadow. "Most impressive," she remarked.  
"Who the hell are you?!?" he yelled.  
"I am Kage Houshi," it stated calmly, "Now, show me your power!"  
"You... tried... to hurt... Akane!" he said angrily.  
"Yes," it replied.  
"MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!!"  
"Interesting," replied a somewhat singed Kage Houshi, "But not what I meant."  
"KACCHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!!!!"  
Kage Houshi staggered back a few steps, quickly recovering. "You have the power to summon   
flames through your hand, do you not?"  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Nope."  
The figure hit its face with its hand. "DAMN," she muttered, "I can't believe I forgot  
about that..."  
"What?" asked a curious Ranma.  
"Oh bloody hell," it said, pulling a ward from... somewhere and throwing it at Ranma. When  
it neard him, it suddenly changed course and zeroed in on his right arm, attaching itself to his   
wrist. "Four hundred years of waiting and I forgot to do the entrance properly."  
Akane recovered from her daze. "Wha... what are you talking about?"  
The ward on Ranma suddenly burst into flame. Kage Houshi tossed him a tekkou. "Put this on,"   
she said, "It will help you control your power."  
"Why should I tr- GAAAHHH!" Ranma's arm burst into flame.  
"That's why."  
Ranma quickly put the tekkou on. His arm promptly went out. "Good reason."  
  
-------------------  
  
Silver Millenium...  
  
Prince Ran of the Moon walked furiously down the corridors of the Moon palace, seething in  
anger. "How DARE she?!?!" he thought, his eyes literally glowing with anger. Stomping into the  
throne room (and incidentally leaving inch-deep tracks on the marble floor), he, in violation of  
all protocol, raised his voice. "MOTHER!!!!" he yelled, adressing the queen, "WHAT IS THE MEANING  
OF THIS?!?!"  
Queen Serenity was shocked. "GAAHHH!!!!" she screamed, "MY SON IS POSESSED!!!!"  
"I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!!!!"  
"GAAAHHHH!!!! MY SON IS GLOWING!!!!"  
"IT'S CALLED ANGER, MOTHER!!!!"  
"GAAAAHHHH!!!! MY SON IS RUINING THE FLOOR!!!!"  
Prince Ran looked down to see that the heat that he was generating had caused him to sink  
into the marble tiling. "Oops," he said, scratching the back of his neck. Realizing what he was  
doing, his aura suddenly flared back up. "DON'T TRY TO DISTRACT ME!!!!"  
"What in the name of the Ginzuishou is the matter with you?!" she exclaimed.  
"THIS," he yelled, pulling a paper out of his coat. Unfortunately, it quickly caught on fire  
and burned up. "Oops," he said sheepishly, again scratching the back of his neck, "At least I  
brought a spare."  
With that, he pulled another paper out of his coat, being careful not to set this one   
ablaze, and handed it to the nearest courtier, who rushed it to the queen.  
"You KNOW what I think of arrainged marriages, Mother," Prince Ran yelled, "and Princess  
Uranus! For crying out loud, just look at her relationship with Princess Neptune!"  
"The betrothal is legal and binding," Queen Serenity replied, "and will be consummated when  
you reach marriageable age in two years."  
"Fine. You leave me no choice. Open contingency file #84734, password   
'arraingedmarriagessuck'. That file contains my plans for something like this. You have two days  
to reverse your decision before I implement them." With that, Ran stormed out.  
  
-------------------  
  
"I've finally found you... Recca."  
"What are you talking about? My name is Saotome Ranma," Ranma replied.  
"No, your birth name was Hokage Recca," Kage Houshi said, "And I am your mother."  
"My mother is Saotome Nodoka!"  
"No, you were found at the age of one... You were raised by them..."  
"Oh, so you just..."  
"Ranma," Akane interrupted, "This DOES explain some things..."  
"You were sent through time... forward a four hundred years..."  
"Bull," Ranma replied.  
"Then explain your flame. It proves that you are a descendant of the Hokage Flame Masters."  
"Your ward did that!"  
"No, it merely released the power that I had sealed when you were just a babe..."  
"Fine, prove it!"  
"Okay," Kage Houshi replied, holding out a folder labeled 'DNA testing results'.  
  
-------------------  
  
From the journal of Prince Ran of the Moon  
Contingency File #84734  
While I trust my mother to not try something as blatantly stupid as arrainging a marriage  
for myself or Sere-chan, I am, nonetheless, planning for such an event. I mean, given my stance  
on arrainged marriages, (Historian's Note: Ran was famous throughout the kingdom for his often   
violent protests of the institution. Well, that and a freak accident involving the Ginzuishou,   
a bananna peel, gelatin, Princess Venus, and Princess Mars's private chambers which led to rumors  
that Ran and Venus were secretly lovers, despite their VERY vocal protestations to the contrary)   
she should know what my reaction would be. Maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's Crystal's insistance   
that I should be prepared for ANYTHING, and maybe it's intuition, but I sat down and seriously   
planned out what I'd do if something that were to come up.  
It is fortunate that noone in the Kingdom other than myself and Crystal know the true nature  
of the Ginzuishou (Ref. File #84730). As such, my ability to actually wield it confuses everyone;   
after all, everyone 'knows' that only the females of the line of Serenity can use the Ginzuishou.   
The truth of the matter is that Crystal does not approve of theft. Whenever someone NOT of the   
line of Serenity has used it, it has resisted their efforts, sensing that they did not have the   
right to do so. On the other hand, given Crystal's... err... attraction towards me, it does not   
resist ME in the slightest.  
In the event that Mother attempts something so blatantly stupid, I intend to take full  
advantage of that fact to use the Ginzuishou to simply dissappear. I am well aware of my   
invisibility to Pluto's timesight, and without it, they have no way to track me. Crystal will  
send me... elsewhere, allowing me to live out my life in peace. Crystal plans to track me, and  
will find me when I arrive... She is a good friend, and I sincerely hope that she does.  
Contingency plans for an arranged marriage for Sere-chan are a bit more complex...  
  
-------------------  
  
Above the Tendou dojo, a loud scream rang out. If one listened closely, it sounded a lot  
like a very angry "OYAJI!!!!". In his room, a panda sweated in fear.  
  
-------------------  
  
The next day...  
At breakfast, Ranma dropped the bombshell. "Oyaji," Ranma said.  
"Yes, boy?" Genma responded in his typical gruff manner.  
"Why didn't you tell me that I was adopted?"  
Genma sweated. "What are you talking about?" he asked innocently.  
"Just these DNA test results," Ranma said, handing him the envelope.  
Genma sweated some more. "I don't know anything about it!"  
"Try another one, Oyaji. I don't believe you."  
[I'm just a cute little panda,] read the sign that the suddenly-transformed martial artist  
held.  
"You DO know something," commented Nabiki.  
"WAAAHHHH!!!!" cried Soun, "Now the schools will never be united!"  
"You're not getting off that easily," said Ranma, pouring a cup of tea on him.  
"Yes, Husband," said Nodoka, standing in the door, "Please tell me what this is about."  
"Use this," said Kage Houshi, appearing from... somewhere... and holding a vial labled  
'Truth Serum'.  
  
-------------------  
  
Sixteen Years Earlier...  
"No-chan is going to kill me," thought Saotome Genma.  
After having sold his son to a group of foreigners for a pickled plum, Genma attempted to  
steal him back. Unfortunately, by the time he arrived, it was too late.  
"Who would have thought that the Polynesian Purple People Eaters were a bunch of   
CANNIBALS?!?" Genma mused.  
  
-------------------  
  
The present...  
"You sold your son AS food?!?" Nabiki exclaimed while Akane was throwing up in the  
background at the detailed and graphic description of what Genma had found and Nodoka was being  
restrained by Kage Houshi.  
"Yes," said Genma, struggling against the effects of the potion.  
"Oh my," said a pale Kasumi.  
"This clenches it," said Nabiki, "You are the WORST father in history."  
"Actually," said Kage Houshi, "I once knew this guy who wrapped his son up in fish sausages  
and repeatedly threw him into a pit of starving cats..."  
"So did Genma," said Nabiki.  
"Oh," Kage Houshi replied, "Nevermind."  
"So where do I come in?" asked Ranma... err... Recca... err... whatever his name is.  
"On my way home," droned Genma, "I was thinking of a suitable lie to tell my wife, when a  
flash of white light appeared behind me. I turned and looked, and saw a small child wearing a  
silk kimono with the name 'Recca' embroidered on it. The child looked so much like my son that I  
simply took him home and passed him off as him."  
Kage Houshi released the crying Nodoka, and snapped her fingers, breaking Genma's   
chemically-induced trance.  
"So, which name will you go by, Son?" asked Kage Houshi.  
"Ranma," he replied, "I'm just used to it, I guess."  
When Genma-panda returned later that day with a deep chest wound, noone questioned it.  
-------------------  
  
"So, tell us about yourself, Kage Houshi-san," said Kasumi.  
"Well... my real name is Kagero."  
"Okay, Kagero-san."  
"Please, just Kagero."  
"Okay, Kagero."  
"Hmm... Where to start?"  
  
-------------------  
  
"So, Kagero-san," Akane asked at dinner, "What was Ranma's REAL father like?"  
"Hmm..." she started, "He had this insatiable urge for battle... I think he got that from  
his mother, along with the tail..."  
"TAIL?!?" Ranma exclaimed.  
"Yes," Kagero admitted, "She wasn't human. Something called a 'saiyajin'. I really don't  
know much about them, except that they'd turn into giant monkeys when the moon was full. If you  
cut off their tail they'd change back, though."  
  
-------------------  
  
From where she was listening in, Cologne almost started drooling.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi.  
"Interesting," said Nabiki.  
"..." said Ranma, in shock.  
  
-----------------  
  
Upon returning to the Nekohanten, Cologne sat and thought about what she had heard. Ranma   
was quite a prize, even when she had thought that talent and his lust to be the best had been the   
result of how he was raised. Now that she knew that they were, at least to some extent, genetic,   
she mentally upgraded him from "prime breeding stock" to "we MUST get this boy's genes into the   
tribe, child", and that was not even taking into account the chance to obtain the legendary power  
of the Hokage flame masters.  
  
  
Next Time:  
The One True Mallet! 


	2. The Fellowship of the Mallet, Part One

Previously... Ranma finds out that he isn't really Genma's son, and that his father was a half-  
saiyajin Hokage flame master. Now what?  
  
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Now This Is Just Plain Nuts, Chapter 2,  
  
By  
  
Aleh  
  
-----------------  
  
The morning after Kagero's revelations, things settled back into a (somewhat) normal   
pattern. Genma skipped his... err... sparring session with Ranma, as he was still recovering from  
a deep gash across the chest. Ranma, despite his best efforts, said something that Akane   
interpreted as an insult (namely that her cooking skill left a lot to be desired) and Akane   
responded by malleting him into the pond. The only really odd thing was Kagero's wide-eyed   
expression at seeing Mallet-sama.  
  
-----------------  
  
Breakfast held another surprise for the Tendous. "Akane-chan," started Kagero.  
"Yes?" she replied.  
"Let me see your mallet. I need to check something."  
"Sure," Akane said cheerfully, holding out a hammer about an inch long.  
Kagero paled. "Tell me, Akane, where did you get this?"  
"I don't know," she said with a shrug, "I just found it one day. Why?"  
"You see the writing on the handle, do you not?"  
"That's writing? I thought it was just a bunch of squiggles!"  
Kagero sighed. "That is the ancient language of Mordor," she started.  
"Huh?" Ranma asked.  
"Roughly translated," Kagero said, "It means 'One mallet to smash 'em all, One mallet to   
find 'em, One mallet to pound 'em all, And into roadkill make 'em.' That is the One True Mallet,   
Akane."  
Around the table, everyone sweatdropped. Nabiki finally broke the silence. "That is a REALLY   
bad poem."  
Kagero nodded. "Indeed. It is even worse in the original language. That, however, is beside  
the point. We MUST destroy it!"  
Akane shuddered. "No! It's MY mallet-sama!"  
"Perhaps if I were to tell you of its history," Kagero replied.  
"That... would be a good idea," Nabiki acknowledged.  
  
-----------------  
  
From the journal of Prince Ran of the Moon  
Contingency File #162539  
Once again, I'm seriously considering a genuinely ridiculous scenario. The One True Mallet  
has been lost for generations, and the odds of Sere-chan finding the damn thing aren't very good.  
Nonetheless, I'm planning for it... really, why the Hell am I writing these things?!? Oh, well,  
as hobbies go, I can think of worse. Anyway, I'm getting off track. The One True Mallet... Forged  
in the fires of Mount Dhoom by the wife of the Dark Lord. The legends say that into it, She poured   
all of her jealousy, her anger, and her inability to learn even the most basic domestic skills.   
Given that the legends only refer to her as Kawaiikunai Otemba, these must have been considerable.   
Then again, if the legends are to be believed, the Dark Lord was into bestiality, as his wife was   
a dog.  
Well, that or I'm mistranslating them. That language sure is confusing. (Historian's Note:  
He was.)  
In any event, should Sere-chan find it, I plan to...  
  
-----------------  
  
There was much sweatdropping. "So THAT'S why she keeps acting like an uncute tomboy!"  
"Ranma no baka!" *THWAM*  
Kagero sighed and started to massage her temples. "Akane, that's the mallet speaking, not  
you. Please... TRY to resist, would you?"  
  
-----------------  
  
After Ranma recovered, Akane was sent out of the room.  
"So, how do we get rid of it?" Nabiki asked.  
"Well," said Kagero, "It was made in the fires of Mount Dhoom. Only they can unmake it."  
"Where is this... Mount Dhoom?" asked Ranma.  
"Well, it's not known by that name anymore..."  
"So what IS it called?" asked Nabiki.  
"Fuji-san."  
A massive facefault ensued.  
  
-----------------  
  
"What now?" Ranma asked Kagero.  
"The mallet wants to return to its mistress," Kagero said, "We must find someone who can  
resist its power to carry it, but..."  
"But what?"  
"Only females can carry it."  
"Oh."  
"No woman can resist its power for long."  
"What about Ranma?" asked Nabiki.  
"Only females can touch it without great pain, Nabiki," Kagero said, "Ranma is NOT female."  
"Oh?" asked Nabiki, throwing a bucket of water at him, "What about now?"  
Kagero's jaw dropped. "W... what? What happened to..."  
"Jusenkyo," Ranma said by way of explanation.  
"GENMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Kagero cried out, showing a massive aura.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Don't worry about Kagero," Kasumi said, bandaging the burnt, bruised, hairless panda with a   
deep chest wound and several missing patches of skin, "She's really quite nice, just a bit   
sadistic."  
  
-----------------  
  
At the Gates of Time, Sailor Pluto paled. "Pankeiki," she whispered, watching the latest   
youma/cardian/daimon/phage/monster-of-the-week that the Inner Senshi were fighting.  
The pankeiki were only a legend even in the Silver Millenium. They were what became of the  
spouses of those who were unlucky enough to find the One True Mallet, doomed to spend eternity   
as mere shells of their former selves. One would almost say 'two-dimensional copies' if it wasn't  
for the God-awful pun.  
As Pluto watched, Mars danced out of the way of a stray blow. While she avoided getting   
hurt, her skirt wasn't as lucky. It was cut neatly, causing the Senshi's eyes to widen. "Moon! Its  
arms are razor-sharp!" she yelled in warning.  
"Gyaa!" yelled Sailor Moon, tripping and barely dodging another blow.  
"Get it now, Sailor Moon!" yelled Tuxedo Kamen, after pinning it to the ground with a rose.  
Unfortunately, Moon's attack didn't even seem to faze it. Within moments, it had freed itself, and  
was on the attack again.  
  
-----------------  
  
A.N.: To those who hate Akane, I don't. Live with it. Yes, I'm going to be poking fun at Akane-  
bashers. I am ALSO going to be poking fun at Akane-lovers, so don't feel left out. I've noticed  
that people's opinions on her are largely dependant on whether they read the manga before seeing  
the anime or vice-versa. The anime shows a version of Akane whose flaws are greatly exaggerated,  
and uses them to great comedic effect. In other words, they're both violent tomboys, but the Anime  
version takes it to an extreme, whereas the manga version is much more calm. In fact, I can't   
think of a single instance post-Nodoka's arrival where THAT Akane hits Ranma. Given that my   
exposure to Ranma has been mainly through the manga (with a few episodes of the anime added in),  
THAT is the Akane who I portray. Besides, I like the manga much more than what I've seen of the  
anime. For the record, I've seen somewhere around twenty anime episodes, and read the ENTIRE   
manga. Yes, all of it. All 38 volumes.  
  
A.N.2: I was planning to make this chapter quite a bit longer, but I think that I'll end it here.  
I'll put the stuff I was planning for the rest of this on in Chapter 3. By the way, if you want a  
good laugh (and to understand a joke) look up 'pankeiki' in a Japanese-English dictionary. Then  
think about the legend behind them: the spouses of the wielders of the One True Mallet wind up as  
pankeiki. Also, Japanese words don't have singular or plural forms. One pankeiki, two pankeiki.  
You get the idea. 


	3. The Fellowship of the Mallet, Part Two

Previously... Ranma found out that he isn't Genma's son, that his REAL father was a half-saiyajin  
Hokage flame master, that Mallet-sama is really the legendary One True Mallet that turns the   
spouses of those who wield it into pankeiki, and that HE must take it to Mount Dhoom (AKA Fuji) to  
destroy it!  
  
-----------------  
  
Now This Is Just Plain Nuts, Chapter 3,  
  
By  
  
Aleh  
  
-----------------  
  
Sailor Pluto had a headache. Actually, she hadn't had one this bad since the time Ran had   
set up a teleportation matrix in her bathtub, causing her, and her bathwater, to appear directly   
on top of the Emperor of Jurai. THAT was a diplomatic nightmare. In fact, it was almost as bad,   
and a hell of a lot more embarrassing, then when he had disappeared the next day.  
The biggest cause of her headache was her inability to locate the One True Mallet, not that  
the Senshi would be able to do anything about it. It was almost like trying to view Ran, actually.  
Ran... There was a subject that Sailor Pluto hadn't thought of in a long time. He truely   
lived up to his name; the boy was practically chaos incarnate. It wasn't that he produced any kind  
of special chaotic energy; he simply tended to find himself in the strangest situations. Like that  
time that he had gone to meet a friend of his in a tavern outside the palace... when Queen   
Serenity sent Jupiter to go find him... How a mixture of herbal shampoos could cause someone to   
lose their memory, noone in the kingdom was ever certain. Heh, that incident actually led to the   
creation of some mind-manipulation technique used by an obscure tribe in China.  
Serenity's obstinance about that arrainged marriage had caused quite a fuss, too. In fact,  
some later historians had labled it as the cause for the Kingdom's fall. Sailor Pluto knew better,  
but Ran's vanishing act had certainly made it worse. Had Ran been present, Queen Serenity wouldn't  
have been forced to use the Ginzuishou to send the Senshi into the future, exhausting her life-  
force. Ran, given both his ability to use it, and his sheer skill at doing so (neither of which   
anyone in the Kingdom could explain, Ran's protestations about it being because someone named  
'Crystal' had a crush on him aside), HE could have sent the Senshi AND the Queen into the future  
himself, WITHOUT exhausting his own life. In fact, he could have DESTROYED Mettalia while he was  
at it!  
Pluto shook herself out of her depression. After all, she had more important things to do.  
"Now, where is that mallet?" she said, turning to the Time Gates.  
  
-----------------  
  
In Nerima, Ranma sneezed.  
  
-----------------  
  
The next morning at breakfast, Ranma looked around. "Where's Akane?" he asked.  
Kasumi smiled. "Nerima General Hospital, Ranma-kun."  
Ranma's eyes bugged out. "What happened?"  
Nabiki came down the stairs and rubbed her eyes. "She's being treated for mallet-dependency,  
Ranma," she said sleepily.  
"WHAAATTTTT?!?"  
Kagero tapped Ranma on the back.  
"Eeeek!" he yelled in surprise. "Oh. It's just you, 'ka-chan," he added when he noticed who  
it was.  
  
-----------------  
  
In a hospital, Akane struggled with her straightjacket. "My... precious... Mallet-sama..."  
she muttered.  
  
-----------------  
  
"The mallet corrupts those who hold it," Kagero explained. "If we can destroy it, Akane   
should get better. She's held it for too long."  
"Well, let's get going!" Ranma said, getting up.  
"First, I must warn you of the dangers that you will face."  
  
-----------------  
  
When Kagero finished telling about the pankeiki, sweatdrops abounded.  
"That..." said Ranma.  
"Is..." continued Nabiki.  
"One..." added Kasumi.  
"God-awful..." stated Soun.  
"Pun," finished a panda-sign.  
"What are YOU doing here?!?" Kagero spat out.  
The next few moments were filled with mindless violence.  
  
-----------------  
  
Upon leaving the house, the group (Ranma, Kagero and Soun -- Nabiki didn't want to run into  
one of those 'Pankeiki' things and noone seriously considered bringing Kasumi) encountered Khu   
Lon.  
"Greetings, muko-dono," she said.  
"What do you want, Old Ghoul?" Ranma asked.  
*Bonk*  
"Whaddya do THAT for?!?"  
Khu Lon chuckled. A panda ran by, being chased by a katana-wielding woman in a kimono. An  
almost sickeningly cute girl chased after a small pig (who was running for his life), yelling  
"Charlotte! Charlotte!"  
"Son, is your life ALWAYS like this?"  
"Actually, this is pretty tame.  
Kagero sweatdropped.  
  
-----------------  
  
"So why are we crawling through the sewers?" Ranma asked.  
*Thwak* Ranma got hit on the head by Khu Lon's staff. "Quiet, Muko-dono," she said, "We do  
not want to attract the attention of the Flattened Ones."  
"I thought that they were called pankeiki!"  
"That too."  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Oh. So THAT'S why they're called 'pankeiki'."  
Kagero facefaulted.  
  
-----------------  
  
A.N.: If anyone hasn't gotten the 'pankeiki' joke/pun, please tell me. I'm curious to see how many   
people've figured it out.  
A.N.2: I'm cutting this chapter off early, too. Hell, I'm still not where I wanted to be at the  
end of Chapter 2! Nonetheless, just consider this one chapter in many pieces. Minor revision to  
the reaction to Ranma's latest foot-in-mouth problem... 


	4. Ranma Vs. God, Part One

Previously... Ranma found out that he isn't Genma's son, that his REAL father was a half-saiyajin  
Hokage flame master, that Mallet-sama is really the legendary One True Mallet, and that HE must   
take it to Mount Dhoom (AKA Fuji) to destroy it! Now Akane is in the hospital being treated for   
mallet-dependency, the Senshi are busy fighting off pankeiki, while Ranma is sneaking through the   
sewers in hope of avoiding the 'Flattened Ones', as Khu Lon calls them.  
  
-----------------  
  
Now This Is Just Plain Nuts, Chapter 4,  
  
By  
  
Aleh  
  
-----------------  
  
Ranma-chan stood, facing his/her latest challenger. "Who the HELL are you?" he (she at the   
moment) asked.  
"I am Sore Bakayarou of Gesuidou! I will never forgive you!"  
"What?!" Ranma exclaimed, "What are you talking about?"  
"Look under your foot!"  
Ranma did. "Why are you blaming me for stepping on a piece of crap in a sewer?"  
"That is MY piece of crap! This is MY sewer!"  
Ranma just rubbed his/her forehead. "I don't have time for this," he said, "Honoo!"  
With that, Ranma launched a blast of flame from his/her hand, toasting his foe. "Come on,   
'Ka-chan, Tendo-san, Ghoul. We need to hurry."  
As Ranma left, if one focused on a certain charred stupid jerk, one would have heard the  
words, "Saotome Ranma... I will never forget this offence... Damnit, that hurt."  
  
-----------------  
  
Two hours later, the group was walking on when a voice came out of nowhere. "Bwahahaha! I,  
Sore Bakayarou will get my revenge!" it yelled, "Beware the final attack of the Gesuidou, an   
attack which has horrified maidens for thousands of years!! Nigeashi Nezumiken!"  
With that, doors opened in the walls of the sewer, and hundreds of rats ran out.  
"Oh, please," Ranma said, pointedly ignoring them, at least until (s)he noticed what they   
were running from.  
"C-C-CATS!!!" he/she yelled, running at a rediculous rate and leaving his companions behind.  
Around a mile later, Ranma's fear reached a breaking point. Suddenly, a green portal appeared  
in front of him/her/whatever-the-correct-gender-pronoun-is and s/he dissappeared.  
  
-----------------  
  
Evangelion World, three hours later...  
"Man, I'm hungry enough to eat a ten-story tall rampaging messenger of God bent on the total  
anhilation of the human race!" Ranma exclaimed after he finished heating up enough water to change   
back, then paused as he saw the Angel and licked his lips. "Literally," he added as an   
afterthought.  
  
-----------------  
  
"New AT field signature detected!" cried out the nameless henchman, "MAGI are classifying it  
as... code... this can't be right..."  
"Code what?" Gendou asked, glowering.  
"MAGI are classifying it as Code Plaid, sir..."  
  
-----------------  
  
"Honoo!" Ranma yelled, throwing a blast of flame at the Angel, causing its AT field to light  
up.  
"Hmm," he said, "This might be a little harder than I thought."  
  
-----------------  
  
"AT field signature changing, Sir," continued the henchman, "MAGI are now classifying it   
as... as..."  
"As what?" Gendou asked, continuing to glower.  
"Code Green with Magenta Polka Dots, Sir."  
Gendou just glowered harder.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Hiryuu Shouten Ha!"  
  
-----------------  
  
"Sir, a tornado has formed around the angel. Foreign AT field signature changing. The polka  
dots are now pink, sir."  
Gendou reinvented the meaning of the word 'glower'.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Damn," Ranma thought, dodging an attempt by the angel to stomp on him, "This thing's tougher  
than Saffron!"  
Just then, the world went white.  
  
-----------------  
  
Ranma floated on a sea of emptiness, looking around for any sign of life. He was just   
beginning to scratch behind his ear when he heard a voice.  
"HELLO, HUMAN," the voice said at a rediculous volume.  
"Umm... who is this?" Ranma asked.  
"WELL... Oh, hell," the voice continued, suddenly losing its force and becoming distinctly  
female, "I'm Nadare. Nice to meet you."  
  
-----------------  
  
"Okay, so let me get this straight. You," Ranma said, pointing at Nadare, "Are the physical  
manifestation of my flame."  
"Well, part of it," Nadare replied.  
"And as such are a part of my soul."  
"Yes," Nadare agreed.  
"And are offering me your power..."  
"Yep!"  
"And in exchange, you want me to... well..."  
"Bang my brains out, screw me senseless, show me the time of my life?"  
"Yes, that..."  
"So, will you?"  
"Can't we just fight?"  
"Oh, poo," Nadare pouted as the background shifted to a desert.  
  
-----------------  
  
"HIRYU SHOUTEN HA!"  
"Okay, you win..." said a dazed Nadare, "Still wish you'd taken me up on my earlier offer,   
though."  
Ranma sweatdropped before everything faded again.  
  
-----------------  
  
Back in the realm of consciousness, Ranma's eyes suddenly oppened with new understanding just  
as the Angel was about to stomp him flat. "RYU NO EN, FIRST DRAGON!" he shouted, tracing a kanji   
with his fingers.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Sir, AT field signature changing again! MAGI is now classifying it as Code Violet With   
Orange Stripes, Sir!"  
Gendo's glower took on epic preportions.  
  
-----------------  
  
"NADARE," Ranma shouted as the Kanji that he had traced briefly became luminescent, "DAN EN!"  
With that, he aimed his palm at the Angel as several giant fireballs appeared in front of it,  
blasting at the Angel, shattering its AT field and crisping it.  
  
-----------------  
  
When the Evangelions arrived at the scene, they only found a charred skeleton of ex-Angel and  
a teenage boy who was finishing off the last of its meat.  
"Man, I'm stufffed," Ranma said just as the memories started pouring in, memories from a   
long-ago time called the Silver Millenium...  
  
-----------------  
  
Sore Bakayarou of Gesuidou requires a bit of explanation. Loosely translated, his name means   
'That Stupid Jerk', and his martial art, Gesuidou, literally means 'The Way of Sewage'. Yes, he'll   
show up later. Nigeashi Nezumiken means 'Fleeing Rat Fist'.  
'Ryu No En' means 'Dragons of Flame'. In Flame of Rekka, each Hokage flame master's flame is  
literally a part of their soul. Each Master's flame has a true form, or 'incarnation'. There are  
various types of flame incarnations, including the lion, snake and eagle, and the strongest   
'normal' Flame Incarnation, the Ryu, or dragon. There are also two special cases, which I'll get to  
in a moment. In FoR, the main character, Rekka or Recca, depending on how you romanize it, has one  
of the two afforementioned special cases. His Flame Incarnation, also known as Yamata's Flame,   
consists of eight Ryu, each with its own special characteristics and powers, who used to be the   
eight greatest flame masters of all time. For the record, their names are Nadare, Saiha, Madoka,   
Rui, Homura, Koku, Setsuna, and Resshin. Resshin also happened to be Rekka's father, but that's   
beside the point. The other special case is the 'Holy Flame', Houou, or Pheonix, which one of the  
villains, Kurei, wields. I have my own answer to THAT, which will come into play later. Anyway,   
what follows is a summary of some of the Ryu and their powers, which CAN be combined in often-weird   
ways.  
  
Nadare: Big fireballs.  
Saiha: Forms a blade of fire from the wrist.  
Madoka: Forms a barrier/forcefield of flame  
Rui: Flame illusions.  
Setsuna: Burns anyone who looks in her eye.  
Resshin: Literal dragon of flame attacks the target.  
  
Anyway, this isn't what I planned, but Ranma's going to have some fun in the Eva world before  
returning... 


End file.
